This year we treated ourselves to Jitterbug Cell Phones, which are advertised in the AARP magazine. (That’s a magazine which features people like Sally Field on the cover simply because they manage to reach the age of 50 without dying. For this, you receive a membership card good for discounts at your local soft-foods emporium.)
Jitterbug phones are lacking things like GPS, eMail, music, and the like. They are to be used in situations when the surrounding populace ignores you during an emergency, simply because you’re OLD and unimportant. No matter; the Jitterbug will put you instantly in touch with a more compassionate world.
Here are some quotes from a review of the phone, shamelessly lifted from the Internet:
Typically the elderly want access to the same technology everyone else has, (like cell phones,) but not having grown up with high-tech toys, they prefer to have a simplified version. They also need technology that addresses how our bodies decay over time. Thus Jitterbug phones provide a loud speaker with an ear pad, large buttons and a large, simple interface. The first thing you notice about the Jitterbug is its size. Normally simple phones such as this are diminutive. However tiny phones with small keys and small screens are not very useful to people with poor motor control and poor eyesight. Surprisingly, the Jitterbug does not have an extremely loud speaker. It is loud enough, but not deafening as you might expect. This may actually be intentional based on some older people’s propensity for yelling into phones.
Thanks to the wonders of technology, everyone is a writer , and everyone has a blog. Now, I generally enjoy what twenty-somethings have to say about life, because their thoughts are often as amusing and simplistic as those of tiny children. And it’s obvious that the above quotes came from the Celeron-fueled mind of someone who has yet to complete puberty.
Personally, I’m pleased that a phone was invented that simply addresses a NEED, meaning that you NEED to call someone if the situation you find yourself in might result in death or maiming. Period. I’m perplexed by these people who constantly poke, pick, and jab at their electronic scabs, constantly maintaining a vigil in case they miss an all-important eMail or phone call. Well, guess what? Civilization survived without these extravagant annoyances; the great cathedrals of Europe went up without the use of cell phones and eMails, and I don’t recall that any text messages led to the creation of a better pyramid.
As “large” as the Jitterbug phone is, I’m quite happy with it, regardless of the opinions of still wet-behind-the-ears bloggers without whose very existence the Earth would cease to exist.
What Can I Say ? 
I have thought that I might be the last person in the civilized world to get a cell phone. This Jitterbug phone seems to be a good idea. I should not have thrown my AARP magazine (with Caroline Kennedy on the cover) out so quickly. Let me know if you like the phone, okay?
As Egyptologist Dr. I.E.S. Edwards, said in his book The Pyramids of Egypt; ” Cheops, who may have been a megalomaniac, could never, during a reign of about twenty-three years, have erected a building of the size and durability of the Great Pyramid, if technical advances had not enabled his masons to handle stones of very considerable weight and dimensions” Clearly the technical advances were text messages left in the sand by Cheops architect Hemiunu to his workers one night when he came up with the idea of lifting stones using levers.
So now you have a cell phone? Welcome To The 60’s!
That review is hilarious, and stops short of saying “the phone is also nice because it doesn’t smell of old lady, and its shape fits perfectly into the cup holder of any Crown Victoria or Town Car.”
Call me from that phone and we can get together for dinner in the next couple of weeks. I’m finally less busy.